are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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