guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'