Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
