I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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