Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
