If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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