the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
