I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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