I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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