Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
