at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
