I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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