well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
