life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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