Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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