My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
