Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
