I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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