I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
