she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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