So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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