What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize