I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
