I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
