I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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