promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
