Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
