Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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