theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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