Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
