Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
