It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
we made out on top of his cat.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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