Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
