Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
