She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
