Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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