The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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