nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
