I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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