Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
