nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
