The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dick very happy bro
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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