You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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