I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
