so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
