I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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