remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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