Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Randomize
