just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
