Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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