Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
