I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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