Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
