These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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