peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
