I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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