soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
