I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
