Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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