Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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